what is the world coming to?! the heat is unbearable. and H1N1 has possibly ruined my big fat happy eurotrip plans that ive been dreaming of. fcking rain on my parade! and if this was my initial mantra..

its obviously not working much!

im tired & hopeless & have just emailed my mother a long list of do's and dont's to adhere to on her flight from BKK. so now im going back to watching Alice in Wonderland on Youtube. This one:

But am certainly waiting for Tim Burton's version with no less than Johnny Depp as the mad hatter.

You're never gonna be content if you dont try,
try to see outside your line.
There you go, you did it again!
You act as if there's a blinder on your eyes.
Should I apologize if what I say burns your ears and stains your eyes?!
Oh, did I crack your shell?
When it falls away, you'll see we exist as well!
Like a bottle with the cork stuck,
your true ingredients trapped inside.
Through the cloudy glass we catch a glimpse of you,
I guess the hard shell represents your pride.
Oh, if only it could be different

I'm not an ungrateful child. I just miss the days my hse felt like a home. I'm confused, i admit. i cannot comprehend u.

a friend asked me a question, and i answered too quickly & vehemently no. but that was the spark. and the spin-off is fleeting (but recurring) emotions of interest that only the best friend would ever be privy to.

its the end of term again, and as usual im feeling all mixed up inside. its just so bittersweet. a lot of my good friends are graduating and school life without them is just not something im looking forward to. so, already im dreading the start of the next term. even if it is still 4 months + a summer break away. i just know coming back here wont be very fulflling. most of what i look forward to when i do, wont really be there.

& im going to miss you. im sure ill see you eventually. but it wont be very often. and that will suck. for me. not very eloquent. but thats that.

but wait, shldnt i be happy re that summer break. the one thats 4 months? well i dont know. im a little bit bummed im not working. cuz hey, id like the experience, i could do with the cash, and im not cool with having to pay rent but leave my room to the dust!

but thats done now. too late for all that. so ill look fwd to home. yes, home! i usually jump and squeal at the thought of it. so why am i not now? i do have sarawak and the rainforest music festival to be happy abt. and nashreen coming back = yay! & just to waking up late, and having home cooked meals, and driving in my (sisters) car. and watching movies and chilling with the guys. that makes me happy.

but what abt when it reaches the point where i want to kill my stepmom, and when everyone gets busy again. and flies off, and when everyone has to go to work everyday. then what? and thats just it, i need to DO something over the summer. something for me. achieve sth. or just keep busy. maybe ill go visit my mom for a month in bangkok. maybe ill get reall good at rock climbing. maybe ill start a good blog.

in another life i was evil
& i was your dream

i was a night cat
& you made me peanut butter milkshakes

in another life my lingerie was still in ur bed
& i got the bucks

in this life...............
you still haven't learnt
bets still on to see if i will

xoxo

will start writing again
must start writing again

watching what's happening at home makes me quite sad really. maybe  cuz its the first time i feel affected by the political turmoil. probably the ones who lived thru May 13 etc arent as surprised, but for me im actually finding all this quite scary. what is going to happen? how is it all going to get resolved? is there even an answer?

it doesnt help that i feel like an isolated spectator since im away in sg (i know la its not that far, but away from home means away from home, even if its near!). everyday i go through the same blogs religiously, ie. chedet, rantings by mm, malaysiakini (i wonder why only the malay version is free?), malaysia today and then some. blogs have long replaced newspapers as my source of information. when u live in this part of the world, newsapapers = goverment mouthpiece. and everyday i read, it gets worse&worse. the politicking keeps outdoing itself!

its easy enough to remain isolated i suppose. the older folks say 'find a job elsewhere and stay there'. and honestly, ive never planned to return and work in KL. why would i when what im getting here for a 3-month internship is equivalent to what a friend of mine gets full time back home (and she's a grad from Monash Australia!). i probably wouldnt even be able to afford petrol for my car!

but i digress, whilst i never intended to make my money in msia, it will always be home. i have the best memories + i loved growing up there + the lifestyle. so i always had this plan at the back of my head that one day i would live in msia again. not soon, but some day. and i hope when that time comes, the situation wont be as uninviting as it is now.